goddamn.

bad days. week? weekend?
not sure.

i feel gross, like any work i did last week has been undone.
i want to go shopping to buy carrots and safe food and cigarettes and all sorts of things i need but my money hasn't come in yet.
i want to go for a walk. i want not to feel like such a grotty whore.

fuck, i have no cigarettes.
fuck.

the boy formerly known as boy-interest is now boy-friend.
and boyfriends' most recent ex and, coincidently, one of his closest girl friends
is really really really damn thin!
not to mention blonde, smart, and did i mention thin?

is it really wrong and selfish and crazy and neurotic of me to want to know the reasons he doesn't like her anymore and the reasons why he likes me?
because i really really really like him.
like, i'm not even pretending to like the parts of him that make me inwardly shudder.
i genuinely like him a whole damn lot and don't want to even think about not being with him.
for fuck's sake, i haven't ripped my clothes off and forced myself upon him yet and actually want to wait.

oh, lame.
+quitting smoking.
i think i have like 8 left and then it's all over.
i don't want to think about it though because i think about how bitter i can be and i can't imagine feeling that and not needing one really badly.
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
today i
had a cupe of green tea
worked out for 45 minutes, 20 minutes interval running, 10 cycling, 5 rowing, 10 elliptical
then
a cigarette,
small amount of cereal, under 200cal
d. coke
apple (3/4) (?)
waitressed for 2 hours
cigarette

s&v chips
snack chocolate
+salad/vegie burger.
anyway. i kind of really want to sleep.
for a really long time!

oh god i am having trouble breathing.

i am scared and worried but mostly just fat.
i'm trying to feel okay about it.

but shit, sometimes i should just have some self fucking control.

you're an enigma

that's a lie, a big lie, but i'll believe it. because i like the idea of him.
i like the idea of too many boys and i just want that quick fix, that instant gratification that doesn't require giving too much away, just a slight shift in personality until i'm satisfied.


tomorrow is definitely a diet day. the beginning of one. i'll try eating less/better and then gym. not gym, eat the same amount of shit, give up.
i'm ill-equipped and it'll probably be cold but i just don't want to be a lard. i just don't.
summer's coming. me and boy-interest are getting close. in fact i told him today about my former eating disorder. everytime i try and return to that mindset though, i can't. it just escalated, it just happened.

and then in the split second a heart breaks, it collapsed.


stupid, stupid. i know.

i have a killer headache,
as usual.

10 minutes cycling
5 rowing
20 interval running
15 on elliptical

food:
chocollo (not all of it. low fat, no added sugar, good source of fibre. ??)
mango
vegie burger (egg, lettuce, tomato, cheese, pineapple, beetroot)
vege dimsim, urk
honey lemon green tea
a buttload of vegetarian house...vegies, tofu, soy-chicken. Apparently all protein. Good source of fibre, better than meat, dairy, eggs.
Chocolate.


Tomorrow I have arranged
a vegemite sandwich
mango
kiwi fruit
an iced green tea
for school. i probably need more carbs + protein. i definitely need more protein. where the fuck do i get that shit from? hopefully weetbix, skim milk + no-fat yoghurt will do.


in the morning i'll see how i feel but probs will go for a walk (if i can haul my ass out of bed, damnit).

i'm over tired.
i didn't even do much today.

i'm sick of waiting.
basically i want to look killer in a bikini.

hour body balance
20 minutes running/powerwalking
10 cycling
10 cross trainer

muelsi + no fat yoghurt
pb sandwich on multigrain
furry friend
d coke
pistachios
muesli bar

dinner:
agedashi tofu
miso
vege tempura
rice (not much)
small salad

....dairy milk chocolate.

comparitively this is a good day.

i'm sick of feeling fat and fucked. it's just another way i sell myself short.
my joints are sore + i'm tired.

ARGH
I
ARGH!!! I need to prioritise
or just get some fucking ace self control.

DAJAHGKJHG DAMNIT
no more of the 'munchies'

I wish I felt this determination when I'm around food.
Late at night, early in the morning, in class. I'm fine, I'm resolute.
I'm so angry at myself.
:/

Everything I ate today has probably just reversed what gym work I did today, and I worked out pretty hard!
Ugh. Cigarettes and diet coke for the rest of my life, thankyou.

today was a good day.

So I'm fucking frustrated,
FUCKING FRUSTRATED.

Strange how hanging out with such an angry and hateful person can change me and my views on people around me.
Completely made me forget my newfound positivity.
I'm fucking tired
But determined.

At a loss.
(And not the fuckin good kind either. GAH!!!!)


Fuckit. I'm going to be skinny, I'm going to be hateful. I'm going to like myself and that's fucking final. I'm going to wake up at 5 and go to the gym. I'm going to run for a half fucking hour. Then I'm going to do more and more and more.
Diet coke and cigarettes for me.

That's goddamn all.



ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

we do but simply not in the way we think we do

no i'm not dead
but sometimes when i wake up and feel fat i wish i was.
awful/

microgynon is fucking evil. that is all.

Okay
I haven't updated in forever. Blah blah blah, I gained weight, I lost weight. Right now I'm about 50kilos, but I can't stop thinking that this time last year I was 7 kilos lighter..
Anyway this was pointless, so whatever.

Jesus Christ
Things don't go right
Not for me.
Apparently I'm not good enough?
I'd like to scream at him, ask him why, ask him why not, beg him for an explanation.
Pride sticks itself in my way/
Pride tells me to put myself above this, to be skinny.
But that other side of me tells me that I hate skinny girls,
that boys still won't like me.
Bones aren't the answer.

But it would just feel so right.

i am back, after short term hiatus.

haha.. sorry celia for the whole i'm-going-to-comment-in-my-secret-journal-making-it-not-secret ordeal. thank you for being so nice about it.


what an awesome welcome back.

but i don't want to be like them.

I got fat.

Back to 50 kilos.
This is not good.

"There's no one at school for you. That's all."

Nice.
Self worth just shooting through the roof.
Who am I?

When I don't eat I win.

It'd be nice to mean something.

I'm really tired.
I went to bed early yet I slept like shit.
And now I feel like shit.
I don't want to eat but I think I should.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh helphelphelp//

It's raining.